finding balance in motherhood with Michelle Nikitaras

Michell and I met over five years ago through my best friend, Abby ( theturqoisepenguin).  Michelle is the wedding planner and designer of AKM Events.  I've been following her through  instagram and her work is brilliant.  (follow her!) She is also a wonderful mom of three.  So excited to introduce you all!   Ls

Hi Everyone!  My name is Michelle Nikitaras and I am a mom of three by day and a wedding planner by night (and in between my kids’ tantrums)!  Our household is usually pretty busy between raising our children, caring for two dogs, and trying to run a home business. Friends sometimes ask me how I manage to balance everything in my life.  My response is: If my life is not chaos, I don’t know what I am doing! Good chaos, of course.

I love being a mom.  My oldest son, Aidan, is 11 and teaches me how to do things, such as high school math and problem solving, on a daily basis.  He is definitely a smart guy and I’m a super proud mama.  My two little ones are Noah, 2 yrs old, and Gianna, 9 months old.  This is where it gets tricky.  They keep me running all day long, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. They are the loves of my life.  But, let’s face it;  sometimes us moms need something outside the home to keep us sane! Whether it be an occasional mani/pedi or doing something we are passionate about.  It’s definitely a MUST to put away the sweat pants and have a little adult time once in a while.

My passion is weddings.  I am so obsessed with the thought of two people falling in love and vowing to spend eternity together.  I am lucky enough to help them plan and prepare for one of the biggest days of their lives. It also gives me a chance to have a creative outlet that doesn’t involve glue and macaroni!

It started as just a hobby back in 2000 and slowly took on a life of its own.  As a working mother, I have become a master at time management and organization.  These are two things that are very important to event planning and wedding design.  AKMEvents is now booming and, thank God, I work with some really awesome women.  I am super lucky to have the best of both worlds.  My kids don’t even miss me when I’m gone, and I miss them more until I come home.  

Being a mom is a full time, crazy, fun, exhausting, rewarding job all in itself.  We are all “Rock Star Moms” whether we work outside of the home or not! Here are a few tips that work for me to try to maintain balance.   When you think about it, all of life’s twists and turns is a balancing act so we might as well have fun doing it!  I hope you find balance in your life by trying some of these tips, or coming up with your own that work in your own situation.

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      Turn the music up!  Sometimes my kids are crying or just plain unhappy in the car.  Wouldn’t you be too if you were strapped into a car seat and forced to face the rear of the car when you obviously have ants in your pants?  Duh! We turn the music up and sing at the top of our lungs.  It’s a win- win.  I release some stress and my kids think it’s hilarious.  Don’t be afraid to act silly!  Your kids will love you for it.  

·         Pray/Meditate.  Take some time to thank God for all that you have.  Reflect on your day, on your loved ones, and on all of the good things that life has to offer. I usually do this when I’m in the shower since this is the longest period of quiet time I get in a day.

·         Drink Tea, Wine, or something special.  When my kids are snug in their bed, the first thing I do is make myself a cup of chamomile tea before I sit down in front of the computer. It relaxes me and makes me feel at ease while I go about the daunting task of catching up on emails or blog posts. On Fridays I substitute the tea for a glass of wine! J

·         Unplug once in a while.  Sundays are family day in our house.  We unplug! No Facebook, no phones, no tablets, no Xbox!  We take this time to enjoy each other and have a little fun.

·         Do something nice for yourself.  An occasional spa day or shopping day works wonders! My hubby and I try to have a date night once a month too. Working outside of the home when I have a wedding is super rewarding.  We all feel energized when we just get a break once in a while.  When we come back together as a family we appreciate each other that much more!

Good Luck to my fellow Rock Star Moms, and I hope this helps you to find your balance in your life.

xo Michelle

AKM Events

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photos courtesy of m rinaye

ROCKSTAR MOM | seven ways to balance your own identity and motherhood

I'm so excited to have Jessica writing on the blog today.  Like me she decided to stay at home with your kids.  She is an amazing mama of one sweet little boy and runs her own ETSY shop, Eastwood Eclectic. Jessica is offering 15% off through the month of May so check out her shop.  Her printable party decorations are a favorite of mine. Use BLOGLOVE15 at checkout.

Ls

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Whether we work outside the home and feel like we miss out on time with our kids, stay at home with the kids but feel like we don’t contribute enough to society, or try to juggle working from home and simultaneously caring for children, there’s always the mom guilt, isn’t there? Who’s with me?

Why do we do that to ourselves? Worse, why do we judge our friends and acquaintances who may be doing the “mom thing” a little differently? Whether you have one child or five, you know that being a mom is the toughest (and most wonderful and rewarding) job there is. I am such a firm believer in each mother doing what’s best for her (and her family) when it comes to balancing life, and I think that you, your spouse, and God are the only ones who deserve a say in those choices.

Then it became real when we found out we were pregnant in my fifth year of teaching, and we needed to make a decision if I would continue working or stay home. I won’t get into how we made it, the financial discussions, or all the pros and cons we weighed; I’ll just say that it was the right choice for us, and I can’t imagine anything different now.

Every woman’s life changes drastically when she becomes a mother, but I think that a stay-at-home mom who was previously career-oriented experiences a significant “culture shock.”

I did, anyway. I went from teaching (and talking to and caring about) over 100 teenagers each day to staying at home with one little baby. My days looked so different — there was less running around, being on my feet for 8 hours, always planning and grading, bringing work home each evening, and just general volume (both literal and figurative). But it wasn’t that being a mom was easier. It was just different. It was harder, definitely more emotional, in many ways, especially since my son had some health issues that added stress and worry in the early months. Despite the importance of the job, though, I was working for only one, tiny little person, and I found myself struggling with that question above,

 Do I do enough?

Gradually, after the initial days of new motherhood that are a blissful and beautiful but sleepless and anxiety-ridden blur, I began to do other things besides “be mommy.” That is still my favorite and most-important job, but I’ve realized it’s good to have some additional priorities. My son just turned two and is the light of my life! Part of why I feel I need to stay at home with him is my own wiring — I have cherished being able to witness each moment of his baby and toddlerhood and can’t imagine my anxiety and disappointment if I were not privy to every “first,” every illness, every new experience, etc. At the same time, I eventually realized that I would lose some of myself if I were focused only on him (and any additional children we may be blessed with). 

I strongly believe in every mom doing what’s best for herself and her family; our families work differently, so I’m just offering ideas that have worked for me :)

1.     DO SOMETHING, EVEN JUST ONE THING, THAT IS JUST FOR YOU.

For me, this was opening my Etsy shop (Eastwood Eclectic). I didn’t plan on it, but I designed invitations for my son’t first birthday party a little over a year ago, and I loved it! Still, I don’t have a degree in graphic design (or any type of art or design), but I decided to go for it! It has been a great way to do something I enjoy, make a little extra money, feel like I’m using my other, non-mommy skills.

2. CONTINUE TO DO THINGS THAT ARE EITHER RELATED TO YOUR CAREER/EDUCATION OR THAT ARE RELATED TO A JOB YOU MAY WANT TO HAVE SOME DAY.

It might be taking classes (towards a degree or just for fun), keeping up with your field through professional development, or learning something entirely new! For me, the design work has fit into this category, even though it’s a different direction than my education and early career. I like it so much that I hope to continue to develop my skills and expand my shop. Also, I’m going to make sure to keep my teacher’s license up to date (must remember to renew that this summer!), so that I don’t close that door. You never know what you’ll want (or need) to do in the future.

3. SPEND A LITTLE BIT OF TIME AWAY FROM THE KID(S) EACH WEEK. AND IF YOU LIVE NEAR FAMILY, USE THEM!

I’m very blessed here. My in-laws live ten minutes away, and Jacob spends the day with Grandma each Wednesday. Although my mother-in-law was always helpful and willing to watch him from the start, we didn’t make this a weekly thing until sometime late in his first year. When we did, I wondered why I hadn’t done that sooner! If you are lucky enough to have family nearby who are willing and able to watch (and love!) your child(ren), please please take advantage of it. It’s so freeing to have a few hours each week to clean the house in peace, get errands done, and make doctor’s appointments without having to first set up a babysitter. He adores those days, too. My parents are amazing with Jacob as well, and I wish that we lived closer than two hours apart. They are so helpful in keeping him for a few hours or even overnight whenever we visit, so that we are able to have a date night or a night out with friends. These times are so important, and I’m thankful for our families.

4. DO SOMETHING FOR OTHERS (OUTSIDE YOUR FAMILY).

I mentor a kindergarten girl at our local elementary school an hour each week, as a part of the national mentoring program Kids Hope USA.  I have to admit that while this was the perfect volunteer opportunity for this former-teacher, I was hesitant to say “yes.” It was daunting to think about adding this to my plate with a one-year-old, the desire for more children, the Etsy shop, a husband who was finishing his MBA and working crazy hours, etc. But there will always be excuses. Always reasons to say “no.” Say “yes” to some kind of volunteer work, and you will be blessed and rewarded more than you would have imagined!

4. USE PLANNING TOOLS TO HELP KEEP HOUSEHOLD TASKS MANAGEABLE.

I’m a list person. I’m “old school,” with my pencil and planner always nearby.This may or may not be true for you, but I’m sure there are some organizational tools, whether high or low tech, that are helpful for you! One new one that has been awesome for our family is a weekly “menu” board.  I designed this little chalkboard printable, printed and framed it, and bought a couple of chalkboard markers to write directly on the glass. It’s amazing! It helps me make a more efficient grocery list, ensure that we eat a variety of foods and are eating well balanced.

5. FIND OTHER MOMS TO SOCIALIZE WITH.

Even if you talk to your childless best friend or your mom on the phone every day, or if you have a small group at church, or whatever, I’ve found that it’s really great to have play dates with other moms and their kids. This allows for social time for both you and your child, and moms in a similar situation are great for discussing all that baby and kid stuff on your mind! The kids form great bonds with their play date buddies and build social skills, like sharing, and you get to enjoy seeing them in action while chatting about when to introduce a new food, the latest baby product recall, etc. These other moms will quickly become your confidants and close friends, too. Where do you meet said moms? Try library story time, music or little gymclasses, or the park down the street — be open to forming new relationships whenever you see another mom-child pair who enjoy the same things as you and your child.

6. DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE.

Have date nights. If you can go out to dinner while family or friends enjoy special time with your child, great! If you need to have at-home date nights after the kids are in bed, that works, too. Just make fun and relaxing time with your spouse a priority. Make real conversation (preferably not about the kids) a priority! We try to go out for an evening about once a month, and we also try to sit down and have a conversation (without the TV or other distractions) at least a couple of nights a week after Jacob is asleep. And I cherish those moments.

7. REMEMBER THAT EVERYONE HAS WEAKNESSES AND NO ONE CAN TRULY DO IT ALL!

It’s a no-brainer, really, but remember that mom guilt? Don’t let it tell you that you should always be balanced, or that you should be able to do everything (and do it all well)! We have to recognize our own limitations and work around them. The menu board is a good example for me; I’m not a bad cook, but I’m not exactly a chef, and cooking dinner is not my favorite thing to do. Thus, it often becomes a low priority and might otherwise be forgotten. The menu board helps me remember that I need to have a meal plan (my family has to eat, after all), and it also makes it more manageable, so I have time to focus on my strengths. We all have natural inclinations, and we should allow ourselves to accept the things we’re not-so-amazing at right along with areas where we know we shine  :)

ROCKSTAR MOM | heather grilley | #goonandtakethatselfie

VERY pleased to have you meet Heather Grilley!  She is one smart and crafty cookie!  Heather is the mastermind behind #goonandtakethatselfie. Rockstar Mom's core theme has always been about balance.  How do we do it all?  How do we find joy, love, and self worth and make it a package deal? I love Heather because she pinpoints a very important value in balance that is most often overlooked.  You have to love yourself. Everything else will always stem from there. Join Heather and take her selfie challenge on instagram. 

Ls

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#goonandtakethatselfie

As I write this I am 353 days away from turning 40.  I’m gonna be honest, I could not be more excited.

My 30’s has brought forth a new self-confidence and personal comfort level that had eluded me most of my life prior.  Do I LOOK better than I did in my 20’s – nope.  I maintain a constant weight that is 15 – 20 pounds heavier than I was despite work out attempts to lessen that gap. In fact I had to tuck my muffin-top into the waistband of my jeans as I settled in with my computer and coffee to write this.  I look tired – I mean the deep down bone tired that only an almost 40 year old full time professional mom of two under the age of 5 can look - kind of tired.  Thank god for Instagram filters that eliminate the dark circular bags under my eyes.  I have LESS hair on my head than I used too (thanks to said kiddos), and MORE wrinkles on my face than I used too (well, duh).  And there is something happening to the tops of my knees that can only be attributed to both gravity and a landslide effect that the loosening skin of age does over time.  Oh, and I have spent the last five years unsuccessfully trying to find a bathing suit that is not marmy but appropriately contains whatever happened in my chest region after the ravages of creating two small humans.  Yikes. 

Despite all this – I FEEL better about the way I look.  I like my curvier body and the way I fill out clothes.  I have a nice proportion to my frame.  I have a good nose.  Its small and perky.  My eyes have a nice shape and I have an envious set of eyebrows (if I do say so myself).  I’ve got good skin and I can get away with little to no makeup most weekends.  When my arms and shoulders are in shape watch out – they are pretty darn sexy.  I have bigger feet and long toes which look nice in sandals.  I have lean and bony wrists – a mighty fine canvas for stacks of funky bracelets.  I still have a waist – and for that I am grateful.  I take pride and joy in accentuating these attributes.  I find it a non-stressful challenge to work around those areas that are not my ‘first choice’ physically to create a look that I feel good about darn near daily.

 

But here is the deal – I came by this acceptance after a war I had waged with myself for almost 20 years.  I don’t recall how I first started to hate my, well, everything.  Although I could speculate on the ‘whys’, there was nothing concrete to point too as an official ‘beginning’.  It was sometime in high school.  I remember little things at the start like driving in my car by myself and sucking my stomach in – the ENTIRE WAY to and from my destination.  Why?  Who was going to see the natural fold that happens when a 100 pound human body SITS?!  I did not care, I hated it.  I also hated the way gravity and pressure made my legs look in the car – bigger.  I would pull my thighs up just off the seat so they appeared smaller to me from the top view.  I would also link my fingertips of both hands around my upper thigh as some sort of gauge to discern how small I wanted them to be in circumference.  If they touched, or swoon, were smaller – I was golden.  If not, the anxiety and self-loathing would kick in.  I honed a gift of systematically maneuvering my way to the back of every girly group photo opportunity and even still, had this pained look on my face that was supposed to resemble a smile.  This torture grew over the next 10 years into beasts we have all heard of; anorexia, bulimia and obsessive exorcise.  I am 5’-1”, my lowest maintained weight in those years was 90 pounds.  I mean – gross, right?

I compared myself to everyone around me.  Not that I judged them on what they looked like but more how my features compared.  I wanted HER long thick naturally wavy hair and darker skin tone.  I painfully coveted HER mile high long legs whose thighs did not touch in the middle.  I envied her chin that was sharp and angular.  I pined for HER strong muscular back and HER tiny waist and HER this, HER that, HER everything ….. all but what I had.  It was a very real and constant voice in my head telling me I was ugly, fat, dimply, average and overall not good enough.  

Sometime in my late 20’s - after I had made myself sick and riddled my daily life with anxiety and obsession - I had a moment of astonishing clarity.  During the dramatic throws of an observation of the mess I had made of my life at the time, I had stepped outside of my body and really saw what this mindset was doing to my physical being.  Slowly over the next 10 years my perspective had changed and I grew to accept myself for what I looked like.  What genetics and biology had given me to work with in this life.  It has brought me the sense of freedom that I still carry with me today.  I can’t change the vessel I was given and I refuse to spend one more minute hating this vessel any longer.  It is wasted energy and it’s unequivocally WRONG.

Once I stopped being a captive of my own obsessions, I started to realize that most all of the women around me were stuck in a similar prison. My friends, some of the most BEAUTIFUL women you will ever see, would not only rebuff genuine compliments but they would actually ARGUE against people who give them true accolades.  You probably have these women in your lives too (or are one of them - shame on you).  You say, “Girl, you are so sassy today.” Only to hear back, “Ugh, thanks but I look so fat in these jeans and I have a huge pimple on my nose.  I have to get my hair colored too – these greys are making me look like my mom.”  This kind of constant exchange began to make me angry and exasperated.  I actually made up a ‘game’ where I would give my friends a swift punch on the arm if they did not take a compliment in my presence.  Ok, so that did not make me the most popular girl in the group but worse – it did not do a thing towards giving them the clarity to see themselves as we all did – lovely and fabulous.  

As modern day women this mindset has become our norm and its heart breaking.  I am a mother of a beautiful, innocent and charming 5 year old girl.  All willowy and smooth skinned and not even remotely thinking about how other people view how she looks (unless there are sparkles and tulle involved then the tune changes drastically).  My gut aches at the thought of a time in her life where she starts to look critically at herself in the mirror.  When she pulls her flesh aside this way or that and sucks her stomach in to look leaner from a side angle.  Where her peers begin to murmur snide comments about the appearance of another girl. I know, I know - I can’t stop that from happening.  But I will tell you what I can do – and what YOU can do too.  

We can stop teaching them how to loathe parts of ourselves.  We can take compliments from our friends gracefully.  We can set aside a moment to marinate in those kind words and let them sink in to our souls to make us feel freaking fantastic, if only for that second.  We can give compliments freely and unabashedly to women of all shapes and sizes – and MEAN it.  We can talk about how those compliments made us feel and how they affect other people emotionally when we extend them.  We can mention the parts we like best about the way we look – genuinely and honestly.  Teach them that it is ok to like yourself in a humble and true way.  Tell our daughters that it is downright rude to dismiss or downplay the kind words of others (applying the same rules where we get on them for not saying ‘please and thank you’).   Admit to them that it is ok to have insecurities – we all do - but explain that it’s how much value we give to those nagging thoughts that makes them either recede into the background or become our main daily narrator.  It’s not a perfect plan ladies but it’s a start and it has to begin with us.

Ok, so I might have lied a smidge earlier.  Some crumbs of self-doubt have never fully been swept aside after my mid 20’s revelation.  I still hated pictures of myself.  I mean – really, not a fan.  It was a scroll through the last handful of years of photos of my kids where I came to realize that … I was not in them.  Really, my children were going to grow up with very few images of their mother interacting with them and enjoying their childhood right alongside of them. What would that do to their memory of me when I am not here any longer? All because I could not shake the last vestiges of perception (both of myself and what others viewed me).  Around this time I had seen this film from Dove and I was floored.  It had encapsulated everything in my journey and I became inspired to make a change.  

I decided that very day to start taking one selfie a week for a year and post it on Instagram.  I was going to single handedly change my mental block of photos of myself.  At first during exorcise I would physically wince and some of the images as I played them back.  Most every time I am still all fumbly and embarrassed.  I shuffle about and talk to myself out loud.  It has to be a hilarious sight.  Ill say however, through the art of selecting, cropping filtering and categorizing I have become sort of enchanted by the whole circus.  I decided to continue the project for an indeterminate amount of time as a reminder of how far I have come and how important this exploration has been.  This project is what has allowed me to write a paragraph like the second one in this essay and not feel even remotely funny about it. 

If I can feel the way I do about images of myself after how horribly I tortured my body and mind in my past then I know other beautiful women can too.  If not for yourself then for your daughter, niece, sister, best friend or mother.  So, I’d like to encourage you to do the same.

#goonandtakethatselfie

Girl, use that to change how you view yourself.  I can’t say it more eloquently than they did in the last frame of the Dove film - WE are more beautiful than we think.  And it’s up to US to change that perception.